Word of Salvation – Vol.38 No.26 – July 1993
Foundations For Marriage (2)
The Union of Marriage
Sermon by Rev. John Haverland on Gen.2:24b
Reading: Gen.2:18-25, 2Cor.6:14 -7:1, Eph.5:21-33
Beloved in Christ,
We live in a society that is preoccupied with sex.
You only need to walk past the posters outside your local dairy to realise this. Almost every magazine poster has a picture of a beautiful woman on the front cover and every second one has some reference to the subject of sex. This emphasis on physical beauty and the sexual comes through in magazines, in advertisements, in movies, in videos. It is all around us.
As Christians living in this sort of world we need to be clear in our own minds about the proper place of the physical relationship both within and outside of marriage. So today we want to focus on the subject of union in marriage.
The sermon last Sunday/this morning dealt with two foundational principles for the marriage relationship:
The principle of Severance:
‘For this reason a man will leave his father and his mother.’
And the principle of Permanence:
‘And be united to his wife.’
Now we will consider a third principle – the union of the marriage relationship – ‘and they will become one flesh.’
When reading these words, ‘one flesh’, most of us would probably think first of all of the sexual union of marriage.
Yet these words have a wider reference than that. They refer to the whole union of the marriage relationship – a oneness that ought to be there on all levels: the spiritual, the mental and emotional, and the physical. We want to consider these various levels of union.
- We begin, firstly, with spiritual oneness because this is the most important.
We were created as spiritual beings, made to live in a relationship with God. This is the most important and basic level of our lives.
Because marriage is the closest union that exists between two people it is vital that a married couple share the same spiritual convictions, that they have a common foundation in this area.
For the Christian this means that we must look for a partner that shares our Christian faith. A partner who believes in a triune God, who has an awareness of sin, who knows Jesus and the way of salvation, who is committed to His church, who wants to serve Him and follow him.
This is basic to a real unity and oneness in marriage. If we marry someone who doesn’t share these beliefs then we will not be able to share what is nearest and dearest to our heart.
This is an important matter for young people, and those not so young, who are looking for a marriage partner. You must settle in your mind that you will only marry a Christian.
Paul spoke of this when he wrote: ‘Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?’ (2Cor.6:14ff).
These words should make you very wary of developing close relationships with a non-Christian friend of the opposite sex.
You may enter and continue the relationship in the hope that that person will become a Christian. And of course that has happened. But it may not happen, and by then you may be so deeply involved in the relationship that you will find it difficult, if not impossible, to pull out.
You need to be thoroughly convinced that you will only marry a believer.
But we want to take this a little further, because as we know there are many differences between believers. Because marriage is the closest relationship you will have with anyone, it is important that you not only marry a believer, but also one who shares your basic convictions about the Bible and the church.
In marriage it is very difficult to agree to disagree on matters like infant baptism, the second blessing of the Holy Spirit, the sovereignty of God in the work of salvation. If you meet someone from another church those are the issues you need to sort out before marriage, not after.
This spiritual union must also be developed within marriage. In marriage we are to grow closer and closer together, on every level, including this level. We ought to be encouraging each other in the faith, building each other up, promoting our walk with God.
That ought to be especially true of husbands. God has appointed us as the spiritual head of our wife and our home. He makes us responsible for her sanctification and progress. Sad to say many husbands fall down on the job here. Their wives are streets ahead of them spiritually.
So we should ask ourselves: Are we growing in our own relationship with God? Are we leading our wife and our children in their relationship with the Lord?
This spiritual union is the basis of union in marriage.
- But let’s go on and look at a second level of union in marriage: This is the mental and emotional area.
A marriage brings together two people who have different backgrounds and experiences, varying thoughts and emotions. We are each our own person with our own approach to things. We are distinct, unique.
This is what enriches a marriage so much. A marriage should bring together two mature people who have something to contribute to each other.
God has designed marriage so that we complement the other, assisting, developing, extending them.
So the union of marriage is not a uniformity. It is not like a car assembly plant where each vehicle is exactly the same as the next.
But marriage is about a union – a union of minds.
Not all couples experience this: some are constantly arguing. They don’t really listen to each other. They don’t try to understand what the other is saying. Instead of drawing together when they talk, they push each other apart.
Marriage should produce a mental union. The sharing of ideas should lead to a greater understanding on a particular issue. Your discussions together ought to produce a clearer insight and a better harmony.
How is it in your marriage?
Do you have discussions or arguments?
Do you push each other apart or draw closer together?
Do you listen carefully to him or her?
Do you try to understand what they are saying?
This of course applies to all human communication, but it should be especially true of marriage.
We should also be developing an emotional union. This is a tough one because people are so different.
Some people are rational while others are emotional. Some think logically while others are more intuitive. Some are objective while others are more subjective.
These differences are often the differences between male and female, but not necessarily so. We also need to be clear that one is not better than the other. Rather we are different.
God places us together in marriage – with all our differences – so that we can enrich each other.
That richness will only come out as we develop our union together. This means that we must not only try to understand our differences, but also appreciate them, value them.
We must be open and honest with each other, sharing our thoughts and feelings.
Again, where are you in your marriage?
Are you honest with each other?
Are you open about your feelings?
Do you share your joys, or frustrations?
Your dreams, and your fears? Your hopes and ideas?
This is what marriage is about – working at this oneness.
- The third aspect of this union that we want to consider is the physical.
We are considering this one last because the closeness of this union depends on the closeness of the previous aspects of our union. If our relationship is not healthy in the spiritual and mental and emotional areas it is unrealistic to expect it to be healthy here. The world and the media try to portray a different picture. Through novels and films and magazines they convey the impression that you can have a meaningful physical relationship with anyone. That people should feel free to drift in and out of relationships as long as they practise what is called ‘safe sex’.
The Bible comes at this from quite a different angle. The sexual relationship God says is to be reserved for marriage. The physical union of a couple should wait until the vows of commitment and faithfulness have been made.
This is not a very popular idea today. Many people today regard this as being puritanical, old-fashioned, out-of-date. So they disregard the Christian perspective. Statistical studies that have been done in high schools show that a large percentage of students have had some sexual experience before they leave school.
But this is not God’s ideal. And we can see the consequences of breaking God’s rules in broken marriages, the high rate of divorce and the growing incidence of sexually transmitted diseases. We cannot play fast and loose with God’s laws and expect to get away with it.
Someone has compared this to a fire. A fire in your home needs a fireplace or a fire box. Then it can be controlled and give warmth and heat. But you are in big trouble if the fire gets out of the fireplace.
It is the same with sex. It needs a fireplace – and the context God has given us is that of marriage. Within this context it can flourish and grow. Again, like all aspects of our relationship this takes honesty and openness and trust.
As we cultivate these things the physical union of marriage becomes an expression and symbol of the union in the whole relationship.
‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and the two will become one flesh.’
This is God’s ideal. An ideal that is to mirror the closeness of Christ and his bride.
That relationship is the closest imaginable:
It is the bond of the Saviour to the saved,
the Shepherd to the sheep,
the Creator to the creature.
It is a relationship of beauty and peace.
Of comfort and security.
Of hope and life.
All of us need to build this relationship with Jesus so that we grow closer and closer to Him.
And those of us who are married need to model our relationships on the relationship we have with Him. That is the pattern, the example. We are the illustration, the picture.
May God help us to truly express that union and communion in marriage.
AMEN