Word of Salvation – September 2010
A PORTRAIT OF CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE, Peter Smit
(Sermon 10 of a series on Ephesians, Series Title – Ephesians: Portraits of a living church)
Text – Ephesians 5:21-33
I found some quotes on marriage that convey some very different views of marriage.
Successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
Germain Greer
You should “keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards”
Benjamin Franklin
Socrates mused, “If you get a good wife you will become happy, and if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher.”
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henry Youngman
There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage.
Martin Luther
He should know he once was a monk.
In contrast…
Germaine Greer an Australian feminist said about male and female relationships: You think you’re getting closer to someone when, in fact, there’s no closer to get. You are already as close as people will ever be. You can’t share yourself with another person, not really. That’s an illusion.
Today God is teaching us that intimacy in marriage is not an illusion. When marriage is lived out the way God intends, love and intimacy can grow deeper with each year. The key to enjoying this is following God’s design.
Paul gives two basic principles here for a fulfilling marriage the way God intends.
Firstly we’ll think about God’s call to a Christian wife. Before we look at what he says to wives, have a think about the culture Paul was writing to and how they viewed wives and marriage. The Jews had a low view of women. In his morning prayer there was a sentence in which a Jewish man gave thanks that God had not made him “ a Gentile, a slave or a woman. ” In Jewish law a woman had no legal rights whatsoever; she was absolutely her husband’s possession to do with as he willed.
The situation was worse in the Greek world. Demosthenes who was prominent statesman and orator in Athens during the 4th century BC had laid it down as the accepted rule of life: “ We have courtesans for the sake of pleasure; we have concubines for the sake of daily cohabitation; we have wives for the purpose of having children legitimately and of having a faithful guardian for all our household affairs. ” The woman of the respectable classes in Greece led a completely secluded life. She took no part in public life; she never appeared on the streets alone; she never even appeared at meals or at social occasions; she had her own apartments and none but her husband might enter into them.
Barclay p168 The Daily study Bible series.
Well what about marriage today?
Today one-quarter of all married people say they wish they’d never tied the knot in the first place. And most admitted they’re only staying with their current partners because they “couldn’t be bothered” to find someone new…
These data come from a survey carried out www.onepoll.com, which claims one-third of respondents are willing to admit what many secretly fear: that they didn’t marry for love. Instead they got hitched for a variety of entirely different (unromantic) reasons:
to have kids, buy property, or worse – just to receive the presents.
http://blogs.theage.com.au/lifestyle/asksam/archives/2008/05/a_marriage_to_r.html
Into the first century culture and into our twenty first century culture God says to wives…
1. WILLINGLY SUBMIT TO YOUR HUSBANDS.
22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife.
That may sound chauvinistic, out of touch and outdated to our modern ears, until we understand fully what the Bible teaches. This doesn’t mean wives should submit to physical abuse or regard themselves as inferior.
Quite to the contrary, the message of the NT was liberating for women in the first century and today. The bible says that men and women are equal. Co-heirs of Christ’s blessings. Made in the image of God. Forgiven, saved and loved by God. Husbands and wives are equal in status before God. Paul makes that clear in Galatians 3:26-28 (GNT)
It is through faith that all of you are God’s children in union with Christ Jesus … 28 So there is no difference between Jews and Gentiles, between slaves and free people, between men and women; you are all one in union with Christ Jesus
That was revolutionary thinking in Paul’s day. And if understood and applied today this principle will revolutionize your marriage. If you’re not married this still applies to you, because one day you may be married, or you may need to encourage a married person to follow God’s will. God says:
22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. Then he gives the reason.
23 For the husband is the head of the wife.
God has designated roles to a husband and wife. God says, the husband is the head, the designated spiritual leader. Husbands, God holds you accountable for the spiritual environment in your home.
This principle is not cultural, it’s creational. It’s the way God designed it.
God modelled this on himself; on how his Son Jesus relates to his church.
23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.
Christ is the head of his church. He feeds the church, he cares for her, he nurtures her faith, he supplies what is needed for her. As head of the church Jesus protects, nurtures and guides his church.
A wife may say, but my husband isn’t a very good spiritual leader. God calls you to willingly submit to your husband not on the basis of how good he is, but because the church submits to Jesus. The church submits to Christ, willingly, lovingly and sacrificially.
Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
In all things, in every area of your marriage, leisure, family, sexuality, home life, work life, God calls you to develop this attitude of submission. What does that mean? Let’s put skin on it.
Jesus Christ is your example of submission.
Philippians 2:6-8 says your attitude should be like Jesus’ attitude:
6 Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, 7 but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. 8 And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself
1 Peter 3:1-4 teaches the same thing.
Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4 Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.
Submission starts in your inner self, it’s an attitude of service. Not seeking the equality that’s yours but humbling yourself to serve.
Peter calls it a gentle trusting spirit; a quiet spirit. These phrases picture a woman who is self assured in God’s love. This is a woman who is so confident of God’s love for her that she can give herself 100% to loving and serving her husband.
So wives, how can you practically develop this attitude of submission?
It starts with knowing your husband and ministering to his deepest needs.
Wives let me give you three things that your husband needs.
a) He needs to be admired and desired.
He has a deep need to be loved. A husband needs his wife to want him. In marriages where women take up traditional roles, one of the great challenges for women is managing work, home, cooking and children. When you add husband on the end of that list, he can fall off the list. But as the church must keep Jesus her first priority, so too wives, submission means keeping your husband and marriage high on your priority list.
b) He needs lovingly encouragement to take up his role as spiritual leader.
He doesn’t need a dominating wife but an encouraging supportive wife. Pray for him, build him up in being a spiritual leader. Defer to him, engage him in decision making processes. Applaud his taking steps to be head.
c) He needs support and backing.
God wants you to be a wife who is behind her man, not with a goad but with encouragement. Not one seeking to belittle or criticize him.
Proverbs 19:13
…a quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping. (She wears you down.)
As we read earlier in Ephesians. A paraphrase for wives…
29 Wives… Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building your husband up according to his needs, that it may benefit him. Eph 4:29
In essence to submit means to willingly humble yourself, take on the attitude of servant, and to honour your husband’s God given role as spiritual leader and head. Pray for him, encourage him and build him up to be the leader God calls him to be.
Think about it wives. When your husband is admired and desired, continually lovingly encouraged and supported, your love for him will strengthen his love for you.
Wives take up God’s call and willingly submit to, and serve your husbands.
That’s one side of the coin. That’s half the message. Now men before you start rubbing your hands together and thinking about singing that 1974 song by Kinky Friedman to your wife, remember the one…
“Put another log on the fire, Cook me up some bacon and some beans,
Go out to the car and change the tire, Wash my socks and sew my old blue jeans.
Baby, fill my pipe and then go fetch my slippers, Boil me up another pot of tea.
Put another log on the fire, girl, Come and tell me why you’re leaving me.
Don’t I let you wash the car on Sunday?
Don’t I warn you when you’re getting fat?
Hey, fatso!
Ain’t I gonna take you fishing some day?
Well, a man can’t love a woman more than that.”
So men before you start singing that song, stop. The Lord has a very high calling for you.
And he wants you to love your woman. And I can assure you it means a whole lot more than that.
God’s call to a Christian husband:
2. SACRIFICIALLY LOVE YOUR WIFE.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, Ephesians 5:25-26
If a wife’s command is “to submit”, a husband is commanded “to love”.
The love God requires is the most sacrificial type of love you can give. Agape love. This means more than making a few sacrifices here and there, this love calls you husbands to give your life to serve your wife.
To understand what it means to love your wife, you’ve got to understand what God said of marriage.
In verse 31 P aul reminds us of what God said…
31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” Ephesians 5:31
God gave us marriage so you could become one with your wife. One in heart, one in mind, one in body, one in spiritual life, one in all things. This is unity at the deepest level. When a wife is not cherished, listened to, understood, cared for, then this oneness can’t exist.
She’ll feel trampled, disregarded or used.
One woman said, “My husband and I have been married for thirty-two years. Do you know what happened Tuesday night? Peter said to me, “Pam, I love you more than I ever have. I don’t think we’ve been closer during our whole lives together.” He really meant it too! Do you know what I thought when he said it?” “You’re crazy! You don’t even know me”.
Peter thought he had the peace he desired from marriage, but there was no oneness. His peace came from the fact that he was debt free, had a fulfilling job till retirement and had time for hobbies. But Pam did not feel loved and known. Peter didn’t even know it. Without knowing it his attitudes were trampling on her heart and holding her back from all her God-given ability. This deeply impacted the sense of oneness Pam felt in their marriage.
Jesus calls you husbands to love your wives and know your wives. Love your wife by discovering and giving yourself to meet her unique needs.
God calls you to love as Jesus did. Read verses 25-28
Ephesians 5:25-28
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
Jesus loved us by meeting our deepest and most pressing need; the need for forgiveness and holiness. Without this we couldn’t have relationship with God or with him. We were condemned to eternity apart from him because of our sins.
Jesus knew our need and showed us practical love by meeting that need. He gave himself to die. As the sinless son of God, he died so we could be made holy. His blood cleansed us and paid the price for our sin. He gave himself to die for us.
God says: Husbands be ready to give your life up completely to loving your wife, by knowing her needs and giving yourself completely to serve her needs.
So husbands, do you know your wife’s dreams, goals, her challenges, her weaknesses, are you giving yourself completely to serve her and meet her needs for love, for connection? Are you giving yourself to this kind of love husbands?
Headship is not dictatorship – it is servanthood wrapped in love.
This sort of love takes time to learn and understand. It’s like understanding and caring for yourself.
Paul says
28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church
God is calling you to build that oneness with your wife: to know her and serve her.
God wants that oneness to have a deep spiritual focus.
Look at verse s 26 and 27. Jesus’ goal was to cleanse his church through his Word, so that one day he could present the church like a young beautiful bride, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
Jesus ’ goal in loving us is to make us a holy, beautiful and radiant church.
One day just like a young beautiful bride walking down the aisle to her groom.
Jesus will present us without a wrinkle, or blemish, before God.
God wants you to lead your wife closer to him. To be in his Word together so that she will grow in holiness and purity and love for God. Husbands if you do that, she will also grow in love for you. When a wife feels loved, built up in her faith, cherished, served. She will give herself to responding to that love.
One woman said, “Many women have domineering husbands, but Greg considers my feelings every step of the way. Most of the time I find submission to Greg to be freeing because I know he seeks God first.”
When a wife submits to serve, when a husband loves and cherishes his wife, it is a picture. It’s a picture of God and us.
Paul said, 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. Marriage is a picture of the oneness that Christ has with his church and will have in heaven forever and ever.
In summing up these two commands, wives willingly submit and husbands love your wives, you could put it like this:
Wife , will you love your husband enough to live for him?
And Husband, will you love your wife enough to die for her?
Do that and you will discover the fulfilling joy of a husband and wife and Christ in marriage.
Amen