Word of Salvation – Vol. 48 No.20 – May 2003

 

Sex is for Marriage, and Marriage is for Life

 

Sermon by Rev M P Geluk

on Lord’s Day 41 (Q/A 108-109 Heid.Cat.)

 

Scripture Readings:  Matthew 5:27-32; 1 Corinthians 6:12-20

Suggested Hymns:  BoW 66a; 214; 32:1,2,3; 345

 

Congregation of our Lord Jesus Christ.

The seventh commandment says, “You shall not commit adultery”. Like some of the other commandments, it’s put in the negative – “You shall not”. There’s nothing wrong with that. When we are tempted to do something that is declared wrong by God, then we need to have it said to us loud and clear – don’t! But the commandment, “Don’t commit adultery” can also be put positively in a number of ways, and for this sermon we have chosen this title: “sex is for marriage, and marriage is for life”.

It’s good for married couples to always remember this. When there is someone else in your circle of friends who begins to appeal to you, then remember that God keeps on telling you that marriage is for life and the only sex that you’re allowed to have is with your married partner. That’s saying it quite bluntly, of course, but sometimes we need to hear blunt statements.

Those not yet married but capable of sexual relations also need to take note of the statement: sex is for marriage, and marriage is for life. When God forbids sex outside of marriage then He has your future well-being in mind. Remember that! And also remember that God’s commands are an expression of His love for you. When you are tempted to have a sexual relationship with someone to whom you are not married, then think ahead of the consequences that may result from such a relationship. And ask yourself, “is it worth it?”

If you love someone and you are planning marriage, then remember marriage is for life and you will have plenty of time in marriage to fulfil your longing for sexual union. If you’re not thinking of marriage but only of sex, then it is quite likely that your view of life is very different to what God your Maker has meant you to have. The Person you need to keep you out of trouble, and to stop you from getting other people into trouble, is Jesus Christ.

There’s one more introductory comment. Some sexual sins are private sins. They may go no further than your mind, or you may commit them with your own body. Only you and God know about these sins. But even though no one else is aware of what you are thinking or doing, they still harm your relationship with God and assault your purity.

Sexual sins, which involve other people, are not so private and inevitably come out into the open. Sexual sins that involve other people have greater consequences because you hurt and disappoint the people you love and who love you. But we cannot find in the Bible any teaching saying that sexual sins are more or less sinful than other sins. And it needs to be said here that Christ can forgive every kind of sin. All who repent and come to Christ with their burden of guilt will find with Him forgiveness. There is hope, therefore, also for those who commit sexual sins. Those who are in Christ can find Christian love and acceptance again amongst one another. And they may continue to also belong to God’s church.

Now in connection with the statement, sex is for marriage, and marriage is for life, let us see that…

1. It’s not easy to obey the seventh commandment

There are several reasons for that and one is that when you have sexual desires, you can’t help having them. It is natural to have sexual desires because God shows in His Word that He, in creating male and female, put in us a mutual attraction for each other. Whenever the Christian church understood God’s design in creating a man and a woman, then it has never frowned on sex. Like with every other gift that God has given, sexual attraction and the sexual relationship in marriage between husband and wife are beautiful and wonderfully satisfying gifts when used in the right way. But there are times in your life that these desires cannot be satisfied. As with all of God’s gifts, He has given us commandments as to how, when and where to use these gifts. The use of God’s gifts, in the manner that He has prescribed, will bring happiness and well-being. To use them in any other way is to invite trouble and unhappiness.

Andrew Kuyvenhoven, author of a book on the Heidelberg Catechism, has put it this way: “If there is a fire in your house, you don’t have to worry as long as the fire is burning in the fireplace. There the fire fulfils its function and warms the house. But if the fire runs through the living room, it destroys your house. When sexual desires fulfil the God-assigned role within the marriage, lives are warmed and blessed. The flames are beneficial. But if sexual desires run wild, people are ruined.” (Comfort & Joy, p 242)

So one reason why the biblical message about sex is not always easy to obey is because sin and our sinful natures make it difficult for us. With all of God’s gifts, God wants us to serve and glorify Him, but sin makes us want to please ourselves.

But there is another reason why it’s not easy to obey the biblical message that sex is for marriage, and marriage is for life, and it has to do with many people not being aware of the reasons for it. Those who belong to Christian families and to Bible-believing churches know that sex is for marriage and marriage is for life, and the reasons for it, but it’s possible that even they may not have heard it enough. And what makes it more complicated is that Christian families and churches are imperfect and the right models and good consistent examples that young people so much need are not always there.

But many of our friends and people we hang around with may not have heard or are not aware, or have heard but reject the biblical teaching that sex is for marriage and marriage is for life. What they have heard and are aware of, and maybe practise, is the exact opposite. The understanding they have is that you have sex whenever you get the urge. And there is plenty of information available that tells you what to do, as well as how to avoid the risk of AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases. Many movies, most prime time television shows, lyrics in pop music, magazines young people read, they say the exact opposite to what the biblical message says. The message they give is that sex is okay with whoever agrees to it. And marriage, well, it’s okay for those who want to make their living together more permanent, but even then it’s not automatic that it’s to be a life-long union.

What entrenches that sort of message is not that just movies, the music scene and magazines preach it, it has become the generally accepted view of society and is therefore taught by those who shape society. Many teachers in our state schools and universities do not teach that sex is for marriage, and marriage is for life. The state-controlled health services don’t hold to it. Nor do government departments. And the laws no longer reflect it. The almost global warning against the spread of AIDS is not, don’t have sexual relationship before and outside of marriage, but, if you’re going to be sexually active, then take precautions and it’s best to have only one partner.

Now the Christian church has to exist in such a society with such views. Not only that, Christians are to influence society with the biblical message that sex is for marriage, and marriage is for life. And for that message to have any weight it is essential that Christians practise what they preach. Jesus has called Christians the light of the world and the salt of the earth. God uses the Christian witness to change society’s standards to conform to His good and perfect will.

In the past God has been pleased to bring about reformations and revivals. Morals improved and people were protected more from the disastrous consequences of sin. But at the present, Christians who strongly hold to the biblical standard are in the minority. The Christian family and the Christian church are a lone voice in the wilderness. Our influence is minimal. Therefore, we need to humbly pray that God is forbearing and long-suffering towards this present evil world and bring about conditions that will allow for the transformation of society,

So for all these reasons, God’s command that sex is for marriage, and marriage is for life, is not widely obeyed in a society that teaches a completely opposite lifestyle. When you follow this lifestyle then you also become very selfish. And a selfish person will not to stick to God’s rules for sex and marriage from the heart. And what does not come from the heart is easily given up.

Are God’s rules for sex and marriage too difficult perhaps? Not when you can see God’s wisdom in them. There are no better rules than God’s and we are most blessed when we follow and obey them. But God’s commandments become more difficult when our hearts are not with Him but with the sinful ways of the world.

2. What God is actually saying?

Strictly speaking, adultery is the illegitimate relationship between a man, married or single, and a married woman not his wife. Or between a woman, married or single, and a married man not her husband. In giving this commandment, God protects marriage from the intruder. A marriage consists of one couple, male and female, and a third person intruding into this relationship is attacking the marriage. He or she is taking someone else’s wife or husband and it is theft.

But God does far more than just tell people not to commit the sin of adultery. Sin is a problem of the heart. God does not just forbid sexual relations outside of marriage. He goes to the heart where the roots are that lead to adultery. These are lust and unwillingness to control desires for someone who does not belong to you.

Is there a difference between sexual desire and lust? We know from the Bible that God gave sexual desires but warns against lust. One can desire someone and not necessarily lust after that person in a selfish sexual way. There may be many things in another person that are attractive, such as kindness, looks, helpfulness, their talk, how they dress, and so on. These may all be normal, natural things and at some point the attraction can progress into a sexual desire. This process may be the normal falling in love of two people. But at that point the Bible commands, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires” (Song of Solomon 2:7). That means, to wait with sex until marriage.

However, controls and barriers need to be erected much earlier if one or both are married already. As soon as you discover yourself thinking of the other person who is not free as someone you sexually desire, or whom you could love and be married to, then back off as fast as you can. If you don’t, then you are intruding into the other person’s marriage, and even attacking that marriage. And if one is a Christian and single, and the other free but committed to a non-Christian lifestyle and ideas, then give heed to God’s warning not to be unequally yoked together with an unbeliever.

The Lord Jesus has explained the seventh commandment as follows: “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole to go into hell.” (Mt 5:27-30)

Sin starts in the heart, and looking at a woman lustfully already makes you an adulterer. The Lord Jesus is very radical as to how we should deal with this sin. He commands us to pluck out the eye and cut off the hand. It is with our eyes that we see the woman and it is with our hands that we might touch her. If it is her attractiveness that catches your attention and you are single, then a man is simply being the creature God made him. And it is not wrong for a woman to look attractive. But if the man is married then he has no further business with that woman. He must not romantically touch her. She is not his to touch. His interests are with his wife. And if the woman is married then she is to ignore the admiring glances she may receive. And she is not to permit another man to romantically touch her. Her interests are with her husband.

And when the man, single or married, allows his eyes to put sexual images in his mind and heart that involve him and the woman, then his eye has caused him to sin and he should cut it out. And if his hand has caused him to sin then he should cut if off. It means to act decisively. It’s to put a stop to what you’re thinking and doing.

Why is Jesus so radical? Well, it’s better to get rid of adulterous thoughts and actions right early in the piece. For if one doesn’t stop the beginnings of sin then it will be more difficult to stop further down the track. It may well progress to the actual act of adultery. So it is better to deny oneself and forego the sinful pleasure of the eye and the hand, than to go on with the sin and lose one’s whole body in hell.

Elsewhere the Bible says that adulterers will not inherit the kingdom of God (1 Cor 6:9). That’s if they don’t repent of their sin. Repentance means to turn away from sin and turn to God. To repent of the roots of adultery is easier than to repent of adultery itself. And the consequences are less as well. When you have sinned with your eyes then it’s a matter between you and God. You have to ask for forgiveness and that the Lord may make you pure again. But when you have also sinned with your hand, then it means that the sinful thoughts of your mind have become the deeds of your body. Another person is involved and the matter is no longer between you and God only.

God, then, wants us to be pure because He is pure. He wants us to be holy because He is holy. But living in today’s society, purity in mind and body is a difficult goal to achieve. Perhaps it has always been difficult. Many Christian believers of the past have also written about the struggle against the flesh. But today, more than any other time, the biblical message of “sex is for marriage, and marriage is for life”, is being relentlessly attacked and overturned. Wherever we go, except for the Bible, the message is, have sex with whomever you feel like it and divorce your partner when your marriage has run out of steam. And being sexually active as singles, and hopping into bed with someone who is married, is constantly shown on television shows and movies. It is portrayed as being as normal as eating and drinking.

And yet God’s message that sex is for marriage, and marriage is for life, will not die out. It will not be silenced. No matter how far people drift away from God and adopt lifestyles that regard as right what God says is wrong, and regard as wrong what God says is right, God’s commands will still be heard. For thousands of years people have been stealing, murdering, having sex outside marriage, and committing adultery, and yet there has never been a society where everyone agreed that it is okay to do all these things. God makes sure that there will be always voices who long for things to be right and pure, and who continue to say: you must not steal, you must not murder, you must not have sex when you’re not married, and you must not commit adultery. And when God’s Spirit lives in you and you love His Word of truth, then your voice will be amongst them.

3. Being a man and a woman of your word

When we look at God then we discover that He keeps His Word. Whoever calls on the Name of the Lord for salvation will be saved. God has given His own Son on the cross to die for our sins and with Jesus’ resurrected life we have a new life. It’s a different life than our old life of sin. It’s life where Jesus lives in us and His Spirit guides and controls us. And to those who repent and believe in Him, He says that He will love them and care of them. And so He does. He never leaves nor forsakes us. God keeps His promises.

We also make promises. When we say that we have repented of our sins and believe in Christ for our salvation, then we have to show the fruit of that by keeping our promises to God. It means to be committed to God, to love and obey Him. We also are to keep our promises to others. As a Christian you have promised to seek the well-being of your neighbour. That means that you don’t have sex with him or her when you or they are not married. And it means that you don’t commit adultery. If being a Christian still means anything, then we must be a man or a woman of our word.

And thinking about sexuality as a Christian, you know that the only right way for two people to become one flesh is marriage, and that marriage is a lifetime commitment of love and mutual respect. If you can’t agree with God on that and cannot yet promise to live like that, then you are not ready for sex or marriage. You may be capable of the sexual act but without promises in place to seek the well-being of the other and without honouring God with your body, it all becomes very selfish and self-indulgent.

In marriage two lives are joined on the basis of vows, mutual promises, freely accepted obligations and unique privileges. Marriage is really a covenant that is modelled on God’s covenant of grace with us through Jesus Christ. There are promises, obligations and privileges, too. God is sometimes called the Husband and the church His wife. Now in marriage between a man and a woman, the sexuality of both comes to expression. But the sexual aspect is only a part. Marriage is more than sex. It is a union of minds and wills, of heart and soul. Marriage is concerned with all aspects of life. It includes faith, intellect, emotions and work.

The sexual aspect is most fulfilling when all the other aspects are in place. For this reason we have been saying all along that sex outside marriage will never reach that fulfilment that God meant it to have within marriage. Even in marriage, when one partner shuts out the other in a particular aspect of the marriage, then the marriage relationship is damaged and the sexual aspect is not as fulfilling. Unfaithfulness in marriage is not just committing adultery, it’s there also when you shut the other out of your heart and soul, and your walk with God.

The sexual side of marriage is not even the main aspect, loyalty is. The continuation of the marriage is that steady commitment to one another to love, support, encourage and share the faith. You promise to do all that in the best of times and in the worst of times.

The society in which we live frequently judges a person to be a real man or woman when they are sexually attractive. And because God has added sexuality to our human being, we, and youth especially, are inclined to focus on that sexual attractiveness extra much. What we must remember, however, is that in a sinful world the emphasis on sexuality has gone to the extreme. The other aspects to human nature, especially when we have been renewed by Christ, aspects like purity, loyalty, service and seeking the other’s well-being, these tend to be overlooked and forgotten. But in God’s eyes they are important and they are also important to us. A person having these aspects and who promises to stick to them is the real man and the real woman.

We have been listening to a preaching from God’s Word that says, sex is for marriage, and marriage is for life.

Amen.