Word of Salvation – Vol.38 No.25 – July 1993
Foundations For Marriage (1)
Leaving and Cleaving
Sermon by Rev. John Haverland on Gen.2:24
Readings: Gen.2:18-25, Mark 10:1-12, 1Cor.7:1-11
Beloved congregation,
Someone has said that marriage is either heaven or hell. There is a lot of truth in that comment. The marriage relationship can be really great, or it can be extremely difficult.
This is because the marriage bond is the closest of all human relationships. This intimacy heightens the joys of the relationship but it can also deepen the pain.
The secular world has a lot to say about marriage and even more about the sexual side of it. Some of this is interesting, but most of it is not very helpful for those interested in improving their relationship.
If we want real guidance and help in marriage then we must turn to the Word of God, because God is the Master Architect of marriage. The marriage relationship was His idea, His plan, His purpose.
Here in Genesis 2 God lays out the foundations of marriage.
The opening words of our text, ‘for this reason’, look back to the immediate context. Adam had named all the animals and had found that there was no one quite like him. No one he could really relate to or communicate with.
God had Adam name all the animals to heighten his need for a partner.
‘It is not good for the man to be alone.’
So God made a partner for him. This was God’s plan. He intended that the usual state for people should be that of marriage. Paul supports this when he says that to be single and content with that is a special gift given to some.
As we know, in a fallen world there are many who are single who do not have that gift, and we need to be aware of that and sensitive to their needs.
When Adam met the woman God had made he reacted with surprise and joy. Then follow the words of our text.
These are not the words of Adam, but rather the words of the Holy Spirit through Moses. Having explained the way God made man and woman the Holy Spirit gives us foundational principles for the marriage relationship.
These are important words. They are so vital that they are repeated another three times in the Bible, twice by Jesus, and once by Paul.
The three principles mentioned here are:
- Severance
- Permanence
- Unity
Each of these three is important to stability in marriage. It is like a three legged stool – take one away and it will fall over. We want to look at the first two of these this morning and at the third tonight / next Sunday.
- The first principle is that of Severance.
‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother.’
In some cultures when a couple marry the husband will continue to live with his parents and the wife will move in with him and his wider family.
The marriage of Isaac and Rebekah is an example of that practice. This verse may well reflect this cultural practice – it stresses that a man must leave his family. Of course, it is just as important for the woman to leave her family.
But what does leaving really mean? Well, let’s begin by looking at what it does not mean.
It does not mean that you need to move away to another city or country when you get married. It doesn’t mean that you have to get as far away as possible from them. Nor does it mean that you should ignore your parents, or reject them, or abandon them. Some couples do this – they get married and then hardly have anything to do with their parents any more. It doesn’t mean that.
What it means is that when a person marries there should be a definite emotional break between parent and child. Marriage brings about a re-ordering of relationships and there must be an emotional re-ordering as well. There must be a shift in emotional dependence from the parents to the partner.
The marriage ceremony symbolises that shift, that severance. It marks the beginning of a new relationship. A man, a woman, leave their parents and begin a new life, a new life together.
What is symbolised in the ceremony must happen in practice. Some marriages have been crippled because one or both of the partners has not left their parents. They are still emotionally dependent on them.
We all know those stories of the newly married bride who has her first argument with her husband and then runs off home to her mother for sympathy.
Or husbands who can’t leave their friends after they get married. They are always hanging around with the boys.
It is important that a husband and wife realise that the marriage bond takes precedence over all other human ties.
But parents need to realise this too. A lot of mother-in-law jokes reflect that tension that sometimes exists between the husband and his mother-in-law.
Surprisingly you don’t hear many jokes about the relationship between a wife and the mother-in-law. Jay Adams suggests that no one dares joke about that because it is too close to the bone!
Sometimes mothers have difficulty accepting their daughters-in-law. They worry that their sons won’t get looked after properly:
Will she feed him properly?
Cook him proper meals?
Feed him his favourite desserts?
Knit him warm jerseys? And so on!
Just as children must leave their parents so too parents must allow their children to leave.
When a baby is born the doctor will cut the umbilical cord. A baby will not grow unless you cut that cord.
It is the same with a marriage. If it is still tied to the parents it will not develop.
This is our first principle – severance.
- The second principle for marriage is Permanence.
‘A man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife.’
The older translations use the word ‘cleave’ – ‘and cleave to his wife.’
The Hebrew word is a very strong one. It is used in the story of Ruth when it says ‘and Ruth clung to Naomi’. It is used by the Psalmist in Psalm 119 when he declares: ‘I have stuck to thy testimonies’. The word refers to a strong bond, an unbreakable tie, a very close union.
In recent years chemists have produced some very strong glues, especially for boat and house construction. These glues are so strong that any break will occur in the wood and not on the glue line. That illustrates the bond of marriage – it is to be strong and powerful. This is why divorce is so painful, because we leave part of us behind, part of us breaks away.
The basis for this bond of marriage is the promises we make to each other. Many of us have made those vows: “To love and cherish, comfort, honour and maintain, to be faithful as long as we both shall live.
These promises mean that marriage is a covenant, because a covenant is a solemn, oath-bound promise. These promises are the bottom line of marriage.
Sometimes couples will tell their friends that they are separating. When explaining why they’ll say: ‘Well, we don’t love each other any more. We did when we got married, but that has gone, and so we are going our separate ways.’
Usually what these people are referring to is a romantic glow which they call love. That warm fuzzy feeling you have when you first meet. But that feeling doesn’t last forever. In fact, sometimes it disappears very quickly, and when it does many couples split.
We see that all around us today – couples make these promises, but it isn’t for life, ’till death do us part’. No, it is until someone more attractive comes along; or till we get tired of each other; or until it gets too difficult, or too inconvenient.
This whole mentality is illustrated so clearly in the revolving marriages of the Hollywood stars. In fact there was a sign hanging in a jewellery store in Hollywood which read:
‘We Rent Wedding Rings’.
That is amusing on the one hand, but a tragic commentary on our world on the other.
But this isn’t just a Hollywood phenomenon. It is happening here too. The rate of separation and divorce has risen sharply over recent years. Many do not even bother to get married but simply live together.
Yet all around us we are seeing the sad consequences of this sort of lifestyle. We see the instability and confusion that it brings to people’s relationships and the trauma and unhappiness that it causes children.
In this situation we need to remember that God intended marriage to be permanent. Jesus stressed this when he quoted our text and then added: ‘So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore, what God has joined together, let not man separate.’ (Mark 10:9).
Jesus stressed that marriage is for keeps. There must be no back door, no easy way out.
Winston Churchill had a lesson for marriages. He was that stubborn, solid, cigar-smoking man who held England together during the dark days of the second world war. There were many who were urging surrender. Bombs were destroying buildings, bridges collapsed, city blocks were devastated. In the midst of all this Churchill stood fast. On numerous occasions he expressed his rule of thumb for victory, his philosophy for success: ‘Wars, he said, are not won by evacuations.’ – Nor are marriages. (Illustration taken from Charles Swindoll).
God’s intention is that marriage be an unbreakable bond, a permanent union.
We can draw a lesson in this from our relationship with Jesus.
He has taken us out of the world and drawn us into a relationship with Himself. We are one with Him. We are in Him and He, through His Spirit, is in us.
This is an unbreakable bond. Jesus has taken us in and He will not let us go. He won’t allow anyone to snatch us out of His hand. We are His, forever.
This is what Jesus has promised us. This is what we must promise each other.
This same security ought to be there in marriage, in all the difficulties, especially in the difficulties.
Your partner ought to have the security of knowing that you have left your parents so that you will never leave him, or her.
That you are still committed to your vows, ‘in plenty and in want, in joy and in sorrow, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.’
AMEN