Word of Salvation – Vol.41 No.03 – January 1996
The Tie That Binds
Sermon by Rev. Prof. R. O. Zorn on 1Peter 3:1-7
Hymns: BoW 111; 25; 135b; 128; 117 (after Benediction)
Assurance of Pardon: Titus 3:5-8a
Scripture Reading: Proverbs 31:10-31
Beloved Congregation of our Lord Jesus Christ.
The apostle Peter was a married man.
So, when he writes to husbands and wives in this section of his epistle, he speaks from experience. Now, experience can be a good and even valuable teacher. Sometimes it is the only teacher from whom some people will learn.
But experience is not an infallible teacher. We do not always learn what we should from experience alone – nor even the right things always. Does this mean that we can treat Peter’s advice here as merely the voice of human experience? Some who do not take the Word of God seriously might be inclined to feel this way. Their attitude would be: “Peter’s old fashioned; he’s just a child of his time, so what he says here doesn’t apply to us anymore.”
But Peter here is more than just the voice of experience. He speaks as an apostle of Christ and his words carry the authority of the Spirit of God, for our text is part of divinely-inspired Scripture. What he tells us here about the marriage relationship is therefore the truth of God. And since what he says is the truth of God, it is eternally valid. We need to be reminded of this in our day where everything is considered relative, changing, and without an absolute standard. As a consequence of this thinking, we see values questioned and formerly stable institutions, like marriage and the family, undermined.
What Peter tells us here is that marriage is a tie that binds, a relationship between a man and a woman that God intends to be permanent and lifelong.
Some today are cynical about this and say: “Marriage is a tie that binds alright; in fact, it is a tie that chafes!” Others are even more cynical and agree with the Arabian proverb that says: “Marriage is like a fortress; those outside are trying to get in, and those inside are trying to get out.” But Peter is no cynic. He is the bringer of God’s Word of instruction and comfort and encouragement to the people of God.
What then does the Word of God have to say about marriage, the tie that binds? There are three important things that our text brings to our attention:
- The wife’s role;
- Her God-given endowment;
- The husband’s role.
1. THE WIFE’S ROLE (vss.1-2)
Is it one of inferiority?
Some cannot read Peter here – and the Bible generally without thinking that this is the case. And because they come to this conclusion, they naturally react against biblical teaching.
It is obvious that our society today lives in the backlash of feminism. Some of feminism’s aims were justified. For ages many men have oppressed women, degrading them, treating them like slaves and considering them little more than playthings and pieces of property.
But now the worm has turned! Now it’s the woman’s turn to be independent if she chooses; to call the tune in man-woman relationships; and in marriage to play the dominant role with her husband and children. Some sad-eyed observers have even gone so far as to regard our society as a matriarchy – mum gets the child welfare benefit, raises the children, even determines what her husband wears!
Have these (and other changes we could mention) produced happier wives and husbands, and better and more stable marriages? On the contrary! The increasing divorce rate, and the secret and open practice of infidelity, tell us otherwise. This increasingly unstable – even disastrous – situation also tells us something else. It plainly tells us that it is time to get back to paying serious attention to the Word of God once more.
In our text, Peter is NOT teaching the inferiority of the wife.
How could he? After all, as a married man, he knew better. Who cooks the meals, cares for the children, manages the household, helps her husband, and oftentimes devotes more time to the church and community than he does? Even the boys and girls know the answer to this question. Yes, who is the one around whom the well-being of husband and children revolve?
How clearly Proverbs 31 (which we read for our Old Testament reading) spells this out. Some women aren’t too happy with what the Word of God says here, feeling that it sets forth an impossible ideal. However, instead of using this portion of Scripture like this, it would be better to regard it as portrayal of the possibilities which are open to women as they fulfil the God-given role of wife and mother. Talk about the truly liberated, fulfilled woman. Here she is plainly described in God’s Word.
Our text makes clear that the divinely-intended role of the wife is that she be a suitable helper for her husband. Peter is writing to Christian women and reminding them of God’s order in creation. God created the man first. But without Eve, Adam had no suitable helper to love, to live within the joys that marriage and home bring, to work within the fulfilment of God’s work for mankind. In a word, Adam without Eve was incomplete as far as life’s fulfilment was concerned.
So, God created the woman to be a suitable helper of the man (cf.Gen.2: 18). She would help him to be prophet, priest, and king before God in their family; she would bear his children, make his house a home, give him the comfort of her love and care so that, together, they would be better able to fulfil their place in the world before God their creator and redeemer.
Indeed, she was made to be, not the inferior, but the subordinate partner in a relationship in which God intended that the man be responsible to take the lead as the head in the home and in their relationship. As 1Corinthians 11:3 puts it: “Now I want you to realise that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.”
Here in this divinely-appointed relationship she would be happiest as she fulfilled this role. And let us not forget that when Eve, tempted by the serpent (the devil), took the lead instead of consulting her husband, it led to the fall.
The apostle Paul goes on to point out that the woman, therefore, should not “teach or have authority over the man” (1Tim 2:12), for this would be a repetition of Eve’s first sin in usurping the role of male headship which applies whether in the individual family or the collective family of God, the church.
We can see how Peter presupposes this background as he writes to Christian women, some of whose husbands needed Christ. They were in a mixed-marriage situation and we might wonder how this came to be when God’s Word plainly states that believers should not marry unbelievers (cf.1Cor 7:39). Any young person today who thinks that he/she can marry an unbeliever (no matter how attractive that person seems to be), is asking for trouble. Nowhere does Scripture put its approval on the unequal yoke, least of all in so important a thing as marriage (cf.2Cor 6:14-18).
The boy or girl who marries a non-Christian in the hope that, afterward, God will convert that person, is asking for a lot of extra trial and heartache, with no real promise from God’s Word that the unbelieving partner will be converted. It may take place, because God is incredibly merciful. But it is just as likely that it will never happen, as many in such a situation can sadly testify.
How then had this situation come to be that Peter writes about here? What had happened was simply this: these women had been heathen, together with their husbands, until they had heard the gospel and as a result had been converted to Christ. But up to the point of Peter’s writing, the unbelieving husbands had not yet been converted. What then were the wives to do? Were they to try to boss and bully their husbands and force them to become Christians? Or maybe it would be better to divorce and leave them!
Peter says that neither of these alternatives is an option for Christians to follow. Rather, says Peter, consider your present situation as God’s calling for you, and in that situation fulfil the law of love – as Christ did for you. When he says: “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands” (vs.1), he is referring them to Christ’s example, mentioned in the previous chapter, beginning at vs.21.
In His suffering, Christ committed Himself to His Father, and in the end was vindicated as the redeeming Saviour of His people. Therefore (to paraphrase what Peter is saying here): “Wives, be submissive to your husbands in the same way, as God’s Word tells you to be, trusting that in so doing, your obedience to God will be a channel that God is pleased to use in bringing about His will for you and your husband. In fact, this might well lead to your husband’s conversion” (vs.1b).
Is Peter here being realistic? How can he ask wives, especially those with unbelieving husbands, to be like this? As a man, Peter would certainly know how inconsiderate some husbands, even believing ones, can be. But nagging by the wife, sulking, bullying, or whatever, is not the answer. What things like this do is only make the situation worse and, in addition, make your Christian testimony seem to be an empty and hypocritical thing. So Peter in effect says: “Wives, be the best possible wives you can be to your husbands, and in so doing show the reality of Christ in your life. When your husband sees this, he’ll also see a demonstration of the power of Christ in your life that will make him see that you have something he doesn’t have but also needs.”
You say you can’t fulfil this requirement? Of course you can’t in your own strength. And nobody knows this better than your husband! But Christ makes His people different. And he’ll help you if you ask Him. So, prove that His grace is sufficient, and your husband, by the grace of God, will come to see that he needs the power and presence of Christ in his life, too.
2. THE WIFE’S GODLY ENDOWMENT (vss.3-6)
Surely it is outward, is it not?
This is what the world preaches to us from all sides: be young; be glamorous; use this deodorant and that perfume, and you’ll be a real temptress and have all the men eating out of your hand. Copy the TV and movie celebrities – dress like them, act like them – that’s the way to succeed with the opposite sex, and maybe the same sex – if that’s what you want.
Should Christian women be taken in by all of this? The temptation may well be there. But Peter shows this all up for the vanity that it really is. He doesn’t condemn all the efforts of women to be attractive, any more than he condemns the wearing of clothing (vs.3). Cosmetics may well have their place, as clothes have their place. But neither is to become an object of attention in itself. What Peter wants women to resist is the temptation to become the pawns of style, vanity and personal conceit.
Peter, therefore, stresses the inward, womanly, Christian virtues.
Actually, when he refers to “a gentle and quiet spirit” (vs.4), the word “gentle” means more than this. It is the word translated as “meek” in Matthew 5:5 (and it is they who will inherit the earth). We know that meekness is not weakness, but it is hard to practise it.
Moses was a meek man (though the NIV incorrectly renders Numbers 12:3 as “humble”). While he was anything but meek when it came to upholding the honour of the Lord, he was the meekest of men when it came to upholding his own honour or even rights. For that’s what meekness means; a willingness to submit to the judgment of others, even when perhaps it may be critical.
Meekness is an especial Christian virtue because none of us is perfect. We all need correction, advice – even rebuke at times. Therefore, the meek person is not so much interested in his/her own rights as in being well-pleasing to God. No wonder God will give the meek the inheritance of the new heaven and earth.
A wife cannot be in subjection to her husband unless she has a meek and quiet spirit. Just think of the wife who must always have the last word: “Yes, Harry, I know, but…” (those billy-goat “buts”!). Think of the woman who knows better than her husband (or always thinks she does). Unless she has a meek and quiet spirit, she will soon dominate him, which is the opposite than being in subjection to him.
Peter points to Sarah as an example of a woman with a meek and quiet spirit (vss.5-6), one who respected her husband’s headship and agreed to his decisions. When God called Abraham to emigrate to Canaan, she didn’t sulk and refuse to go, and then forever after be homesick for relatives in the homeland of Ur. Even at a later time, when Abraham showed his cowardice and lack of faith by asking her to tell the Egyptians that she was his sister, she was willing to go along with her husband’s questionable request, trusting that God would somehow make matters right – which He did.
Wives, the weaker your husband is, the more faith in God it will take to be in subjection to him. But this is nevertheless the very thing “which is of great worth in God’s sight.” And He will reward it, you may be sure, as He does all obedience to His will.
The second Christian virtue Peter points to is for wives to persevere in doing what is right and not to give way to fear, which I take to mean to succumb to doubt and anxiety (vs.6). It’s so easy to despair in well-doing and want to give up. I’ve been married to my unbelieving husband now for twenty years, and nothing has changed. He’s still his old beastly self; I might as well give up. But that’s what the devil wants you to think. So, don’t give in to him. Rather, keep on in the strength that Christ provides. Who can tell in what way you will be a blessing to others, to yourself – and by which you will glorify God?
Remember 1Corinthians 7: 16 in this connection: “How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband…?”
Remember, Christ is not only our example, He is also our Saviour (read 2:20-21). So, trust in Him more fully, depend on Him more completely, and you will come to the sweet experience that His yoke is easy and His burden is light (Matthew 11:30). Yes, a woman’s true beauty will be yours to radiate more and more so that others cannot help but notice it too. As Proverbs 31 puts it: “Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her… let her works bring her praise…” (vss.28, 31).
3. THE HUSBAND’S ROLE (vs.7)
Our text makes clear that the buck stops with you as the head of the household. It begins with the responsibility of being a FULL provider of the needs of your family. Of course this means providing the necessary things for their temporal well-being, such as food, clothing, household furnishings. It’s also a good idea to take your wife out to dinner occasionally and to show her your appreciation for what she does for you and the children.
There are other needs, too, that you are responsible to meet. Your wife needs the reassurances of your love. Little displays of affection may seem unnecessary, maybe even silly to you, but they’re the raw material which nourish your wife’s love. Remember, if your wife is “the weaker partner”, you need to understand her, show patience with her, be considerate. These are just the things a proper love does. Above all, don’t take your wife for granted. If you do, it may be an indication that your love for her is beginning to cool. If this is the case, then get ready for trouble, because you may be sure that it’s on the way!
Moreover, you are the setter of the tone in your family relationships. Lately, does it seem like things in the family aren’t as good as they could be or should be? Your wife seems to have more faults than ever. She nags, is irritable, bullies the children, doesn’t give you the love you think that you should have? As for the children, they seem to be showing an increasing lack of respect and obedience?
How much of this is your own fault? Are you leaving matters of discipline up to her, loading her with increasing responsibilities while you take more time off for the pursuit of your own selfish interests? Remember, since your wife is the weaker partner (the original says “vessel”, which is a better description than “partner”), she will, in time, reflect your virtues and faults. Why then not “dwell with her with understanding” by showing her your love, your appreciation, your consideration? Instead of spoiling her, you’ll make her a better wife.
Be sure to promote spiritual priorities.
Peter reminds you that, if you are Christians, you and your wife “are heirs together of the grace of life.” Eternal life is God’s free gift in Christ. He died in your place to save you from the penalty your sins deserve, death and hell. He rose again for your right standing in God’s sight, and now He lives in heaven to guarantee a place for you there. So, you are not only to be God’s child by virtue of your union with Christ, but He also wants to be the Lord of your life, “the head of your home, the unseen guest at every meal, the silent listener to every conversation.” He wants your home to be filled with the sweet fragrance of heaven’s harmony, as He gives His covenant blessings to you and your household.
Being the divinely-appointed prophet, priest, and king in the home does not mean that the husband and father lords it over the household. Rather, this means that he has spiritual responsibilities which will mean: leading the members of the family in worship; teaching his children to know God’s Word and to commune with him in prayer; and to take the lead in pointing out how they are to devote their lives in the service of God. Isn’t it just here that husbands and fathers fall down on the job? Is our salvation real? Are we really heirs of the grace of life? Then we’re to share it with others, and this begins first at home.
You and your wife are labourers together in Christ’s kingdom. This will demand the constancy of your communion with Him in prayer and your dependence on Him for everything. No one knows better than the devil how important prayer is. That’s why he’s constantly at work in a marriage and in our lives to interfere with its practise. He wants our prayers not only to be hindered but to cease altogether (vs.7b). And this will be the case if there is strife rather than harmony in your marriage relationship and family. Can you pray with someone you’re quarrelling with? Rather, one defeat leads to another until the molehill of misunderstanding has grown into a mountain of difficulty and trouble.
Brothers and sisters, the Lord Jesus said, “Where two or three are gathered together in my name, there I am in the midst of them” (Matthew 18:20).
What a blessing, what a privilege to have the Lord in the midst of our marriage, our home, our lives in this way. For where the Lord is, there is life, victory over evil, power for fruitful service, joy and peace as people dwell together in love and unity and harmony.
May the Lord help us to heed his Word as true heirs together of the grace of life in Him, to His praise and glory!
Amen.